My Story

Some of you will have heard my story before, others may not.

But it’s one of those things that needs to be said when you start a new blog.

For most of my life I’ve battled with my weight,
kind of like being on a never ending bungee jump...
that just keeps going up and down...

My first weight related memories are when I was about 12 years old, and realised when looking in the mirror one day that I had a few stretch marks on my upper thighs...
being well and truly into the swimming scene, this was horrific find...

I was mortified...

I remember standing in front of the mirror pulling at my swimmers to try hide them... for hours...

I was always solid, though fit

What no one told me was that these were "growing stretch marks" and that most people got them...
I used to try hide them whenever I was at the pool....

Eventually I turned to food for comfort, as many of us do...
with the thought in the back of my mind that if I ate, it would all go away...
Where really all that does is make things worse.

Why is it that family gatherings etc are all to do with food, think birthdays, mother/fathers day, Easter, Christmas.... everything generally revolves around food..

In my family it was the same, achievements were celebrated with outings to restaurants, or takeaway...
Birthdays the same...
as the years went on there were more and more celebrations to be had, all with some kind of food...

There's something wrong when you're only eating one home cooked meal a week...

Mondays was swimming club, and dinner usually involved a BBQ at the pool
Tuesdays was Italian with creamy pastas and sauces
Wednesdays
Thursdays was piano and late night shopping, and since i had lessons next to the shopping center dinner was always something from there
Fridays was takeaway night, whether it be fish and chips, Chinese, pizza....

It's no wonder as the years went on I put on weight...

I remember being constantly ridiculed by my parents and my brother about my size, and thinking to myself, why are they picking on me?, when the whole family was overweight.

it's no wonder that we were.
but looking back at pictures... there was nothing wrong about my size...

Whether they just meant to be mean, or to make me more aware of what I looked like, and about what I was eating.

Their taunts had the opposite effect.

I’d just eat more and more...
I remember turning to food as a comfort source.
Thinking the more I ate the less it would matter...

Needless to say I eventually gave up swimming competitively, which was a very sore point with my mum especially...i can pinpoint the exact moment she stopped giving a damn, and it was the moment i told her, no i wasn't going to swim competitively anymore.

I’d still go to swimming club as it was a huge social event for me... and who doesn't like the view of cute boys in swimming trunks!

But by stopping swimming 6 times a week, and still eating at the same rate, all the muscle I had turned to fat (yeah I know it doesn't really... but you know what I mean)

I got slowly more and more overweight...

it never bothered me much about being overweight, I was a happy bubbly person which heaps of friends all over the place who liked me for who I was...

over the years my parents tried diet after diet after diet.... never sticking to one for more than 3 days at a time...

one of these was weight watchers, which my father decided to do by mail...

he lasted a week... and then gave up in favour of eating what he wanted when he wanted.

It wasn't until mid way through year 12 (or 6th form) that I decided I needed to do something about my weight... maybe it was something to do with the looming university life and being a small fish in a big fish tank had me grasping at straws... so I dug out the at home books, and started to follow them in secret.

i remember SB was doing it too, and we'd chat about it at school.... though she was only 60kgs to start with... i managed to lose a few kgs... but didn't really stick with it...

it was hard to stick with it when you're living at home with no access to funds to by healthier options.

i still ate dinner with my family.

October 1999, brought me my first ever paying job, as a learn to swim instructor... what more motivation do you need than that to lose some weight...

it was working for the same company who i used to train with when i was competing, so a lot of the staff there i already new...

I organised myself, and had the determination to succeed, and i began to follow the points program in earnest in the new year...
weighing in at 104kgs...the first 10 weeks saw me lose 10kgs...

i started to think differently, eat differently and feel more i control.

I never told anyone in my family what i was doing, I’d still eat what they were eating, but I’d stop eating the more unhealthier options...

if they were having takeaway, I’d say no I’ll just have beans on toast, that sort of thing...

i remember eavesdropping when my mum was on the phone, and she was saying "I think she's trying to be healthy, but she won't last"...

and I think that's what lead to me keeping my weight loss attempt a secret... because in the back of mind there was that doubt of not getting there, of giving up...

as I lost the weight I’d get compliments and I’d say no I’m not trying to lose weight, yet inside I was glowing... someone had noticed...

I never told a soul until i was almost 2/3rd of the way to goal. By then it was obvious I was up to something.

Why ??

I was ashamed that I’d let myself go, i never wanted to admit that I weighted what I did, and i didn't have the belief in myself that i could do it. and in my mind telling those people close to me would mean that they'd all be waiting for me to fail.

However after just over a year I got to goal in August 2002. Those in the know, knew i was on weight watchers and shared in my success, though i did keep it a general secret from most of my friends...

it was the whole going to weight watchers... thinking of those taunts that kids yell, weight watchers was for "fat people".

what i didn't want to admit was i was "fat" and that kept me from voicing it out loud...

though I'll never forget the feeling when i was at one of my meetings when i was getting close to goal, and overheard two women who we just about to join talking, and they said why is she here, she's skinny...having been overweight most of my adult life... to be called skinny was a dream come true...

after losing just over 40kgs it was no longer about the numbers i just wanted to tone up everything.

i had so much energy, i almost lived at the gym, my friends would joke that they should send letters there instead of my home, as i was more often there than at home...

it wasn't uncommon for me to be there 2 times a day... even 3...

but what happened...

I finished university in 2003 and I got my first ever full time job.

suddenly my free life of heading to the gym 3hrs a day, was one of the past. while i still ate healthily, my portion sizes grew bigger, more and more meals were substituted for meals out.

Suddenly i had more money than ever before and in turn became more social.
The bickie jar at work, became more than just temptation.

My gym buddies also got new jobs, and moved away, leaving me buddy-less.

less motivation to get up before dawn and head to the gym alone, and slowly i began to gain some of the weight back on... and over time I'd lose say 4 kgs, and then put on 5... so the weight went up...snacks and junk seemed to be more tempting and i had less resolve to avoid them...

the more i worked the less i went to the gym, until soon the gym became a distant memory..

I remember having a conversation with my boss at the pool, (one of the people that knew i was at ww, who had actually convinced me to go to meetings, and eventually as my courage grew and my meeting closed down i headed with her to her meeting.) just after i got to goal, about how it felt to have lost so much, and i remember her saying "you've worked too hard to get where you are now, you won't let yourself put it back on again"

yet here i am 3 years later almost back where i started...

I feel disgusted with myself for it happening...

I cant say it was all smooth sailing,
I got pregnant, then after dealing with the thought of being pregnant, had a miscarriage.
Turning to food seemed some what logical to someone who'd always used it as a comfort factor...

There's been many attempts at getting back on the wagon all throughout the last few years... but it's all just been a yoyo

In the last few years my whole life has changed and with that the way I think and act as well... (sometimes it's not a good thing) with a move overseas to the UK, travelling to far off places, deaths, new friends, all sorts paving the way..

For awhile I’ve not really cared about what I do, I have no long-term plans, no idea what i want to do next, I’ve been living each day as it comes, and taking each job that comes along, working my way through the UK... with no real goal in sight.

I’ve had some long deep and meaningful conversations with some friends of late, and slowly I’m trying to organise my thoughts a bit.

Since arriving over here 3 years ago, I’ve definitely have put on weight.
Not a lot, but noticeable I’d say...

I still eat relatively healthily, but it's the alcohol that's played a big part of my weight gain, like most people that head over this way..

The British life revolves around the pub.
it's not uncommon to head to the local pub every night after work for a few drinks before heading on home..

There's been many times over here when I’ve tried to get my head in order and back to losing weight, but my many attempts have been in vain.

I just don’t want to live like this anymore, I want to get back to living my life.